Christmas Cutbacks

As times get harder everyone is looking to save money.  Our Chief Exec posted the latest cutback on his blog.

The global economic downturn requires the North Pole Branch of S. Claus (International) Ltd to look for improved, more competitive, operating procedures. With immediate effect, the following economic measures are to be implemented in the ‘Twelve Days of Christmas’ Dept.

1. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the forecast cash crop, will be replaced by a plastic decorative plant providing considerable savings in maintenance.
   
2. Two turtle doves are a duplication of resource, and simply cannot be justified. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. One position is, therefore, eliminated.
   
3. The French hens will be replaced by English beef.
   
4. The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated calling system, with a ‘call waiting’ option. An analysis is under way to determine whom the birds have been calling, how often, and how long they talked.
   
5. The five golden rings have been put on hold by our Investment Management Advisers. Maintaining a profile based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals and gilts appears to be the way forward.
   
6. Higher numbers are generally considered excessive. Three geese will be released, two token swans retained. The milking operation will be automated, freeing eight maids to join the e-milking team. The high cost of maintaining hereditary peers, plus the expense of international air travel and its impact on the environment, has promoted the Job Evaluation Unit to suggest replacing this group with ten pogo sticks. To maximise the brand value of the dancing subsidiary, we shall bring Pan’s People out of retirement.
   
7. Availing ourselves of operational synergies, the pipers and drummers will be replaced by an i-Pod.

Though as yet incomplete, early studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is grossly inefficient. Optimum efficiency and improved service levels can be achieved by making all deliveries on the same day.

In order to remain competitive in a difficult working environment, further cuts cannot be ruled out. If this should be necessary, the Board will request Management to scrutinise the ‘Snow White Division’ to establish whether seven dwarfs are actually required.